There is no training or preparation for how to handle the many aspects of life when a child dies. The following offers a non-exhaustive list of common experiences that many parents often feel in this time of chaos. You may find it helpful to know you aren’t alone or the only one having such experiences. Also included is a list of suggestions and a poem to help others understand us and our needs better, too. After all, there isn’t any training or preparation for our family and friends at such times either.

Why Can't I Sleep

Most bereaved parents experience one or more of the following in the various stages of grieving especially in the early days:

All these reactions and more are natural and normal. It is important not to deny one’s feelings but instead learn to express them. Realizing you are not alone in having these reactions is helpful. One’s balance is regained slowly through understanding and working through the grief process.

It is said that the bereaved underestimate their ability to survive. Many bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents are proof that the self-help process in support groups can make a huge difference in healing.

Often others don’t know what to say and from this say things that are unintentionally hurtful or say nothing at all. Here’s a list of suggestions to smooth the way for those who love and care in these times of grief. This was originally published in the National TCF publication.

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What We Wish Others Understood About The Loss Of Our Child
1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.

6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

7. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forevermore "be a recovering bereaved parent."

9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone-all of which may be related to my grief.

10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.

12. I wish you wouldn't offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you’ll like me still.

Source: This is taken from an article by Betty Baggott. She is a freelance writer and a member of the board of directors of The Alabama Baptist. She is the wife of Bob Baggott, pastor of First Baptist Church, Birmingham, AL.

Instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don't know what to do with us.

"Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet –
I'll never be over it.
Please don't tell me he's in a better place –
He isn't here with me.
Please don't say at least she isn't suffering –

I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer in the first place.
Please don't tell me you know how I feel –
Unless you have lost a child, too.
Please don't ask me if I feel better –
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please don't tell me at least you had him this long –
When would you choose for your child to die?
Please don't tell me that God never gives us more than we can bear.
Please just say you are sorry.
Please just say you remember my child...if you do.
Please just let me talk about my child.
Please mention my child's name.
Please just let me cry."

Source: Compassionate Friends Publication

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to help you decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.

You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

You have the right to experience grief "attacks." Sometime, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk to who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of you questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember them. Instead of ignoring your memories, find other with whom you can share them.

You have the right to moved toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.